Where Is Hawkins?Where travel is cheaper than psychotherapy.

Discuss.

Two things this morning:

1) I was paged into a manager’s office to get a “good job” talk. The moment I walk into the office my first words were “You can’t prove a thing!”

2) And for some reason, I thought today would be a good day to pass out the breast candy I got in Japan to people at the office.

I got stuck working my company’s “Take Your Kid to Work Day” today. I was up until ~1:30 last night working on some stuff for it (it was my fault – kinda – I went to the Fire/Revolution game and Mexico/Poland double header) and was in at 7 this morning. Then I left work early at 2:30 so I could go home and sack out but as soon as I get home and took off my shirt and khakis to go to bed, my Blackberry reminded me that I had a 3pm meeting with my director at work. Fuck. So I had to redress and hump back to the office and attend the meeting. So for future reference, if you’re going to leave early to get a nap, make sure you check your calendar first.

Oh yeah, back to my story. I got suckered into working it last year and apparently I did a good job because they (apparently, the kids) kept raving about a fat funny guy who did a good job. I figure that between my teaching experience in Upward Bound to inner city kids and my mad docent skills, I’m able to take unruly bored kids and make them hang on my words. Most of the kids were raving idiots and there were a few who actually seemed like they had a clue and were genuinely interested. I just chalk it up to the list of things that I do at work and outside my job that I do because of kindness and obligation to charity. Oh well, no good deed…

And now for other useless rants…

I’ve taken a step back from dating as well until I can figure out what’s wrong. This became perfectly clear today for some odd reason. I’ve got a crush on a friend’s friend and managed to get her number, but two voice mails unreturned is sort of a clue of disinterest despite being told of the contrary. I’m not sure what the explanation is – whether it’s the fact that I’m being told something I wanted to hear that was untrue, her genuinely being busy or her just not being interested. I keep hearing that there’s a book for women called “He’s just not that into you.” Maybe I should read that to find out what I’m doing wrong, or something. It’d be nice to find someone but I figure that after what amounts to a decade of dating, it’s perhaps time I should be focusing efforts on finding someone and doing the adult thing of moving in with a girl, buying a house and getting a dog.

Well, according to Google that is.

Since people are retards and don’t understand the concept of normal business hours, let me give a refresher as to when meetings are ok to be scheduled:

*You should not schedule meetings to start before 9am.
*You should not schedule meetings to start on or after 4:30pm.
*You should not schedule meetings to start after 3pm on a Friday.

Over the weekend I got a mailing from my high school’s reunion committee. I actually did open it and read it before I dismissed it. I’m going to Africa during that time, so it’s not like I’m actually going to attend, but it’s still fun to read and make fun because I am a shallow person. $55 per person to attend (not bad), open bar (both good and bad – it’ll be shitty alcohol and cheap beer) and “family style” dining (whoo hoo! buffet!).

But it’d be awkward. Even if I did attend, I’d be keeping to myself, listening to people tell me about their lives and invariably, be shown pictures of their children. And I’d probably feel that it was a mistake for me to come anyway, because I wouldn’t have anything to say and wouldn’t fit in.

Well I went to this party thing last night
A lot of people I hadn’t seen in a long time
And they wanted to know about my life,
But making me feel like it wasn’t quite right
Like where’s your kids and where’s your car?
I said I don’t have either but I have a guitar
And I ended up feeling like I was a freak
So I found some wine and something to eat
And I talked to a dog to pass the time
Told myself I’m doing fine.
-Heather Nova, Virus of the Mind

I don’t know how people thought of me, but I’m not that same quiet nerdy awkward kid anymore (replaced by the quiet nerdy awkward adult, but never you mind). Some people go to reunions for revenge, some people go for closure, and some people just go to relive the best moments of their lives. I don’t need closure or revenge and the best moments of my life are coming in the future.

But at the same time that the reunion is kicking off, I’ll be fast asleep in a hotel bed in Arusha, Tanzania in what I hope is a well deserved sleep and feeling the best I have in a long time because I’ll have put myself through a test to see what I’m capable of. Seems like it’s a fair trade.

Christ, I have turned into a blue blazer-wearing regatta-participating snob. All I need is an ascot and I’ll be set.

I’ve been thinking about what I will do when I take over the world, and it came up that I should probably establish a nature reserve for overexposed celebrities so they can go there for a few years, let their exposure die down and then perhaps come back down the road. Here are my 7 that I will send to the island post haste. I’ll take your suggestions in the comments…

1) Ashton Kutcher. He’s sort of the all purpose guy you put in a romantic comedy if you want it to suck ass. Combine that with the unfunny Punk’d… he just sucks. I don’t see the appeal.

2) Ben Stiller. Maddox sums it up perfectly – quit making so many damned buddy “comedies.”

3) Paris Hilton. Unskilled, unaware… just a media whore and famous for no real particular reason other than she’s a rich girl.

4) Britney Spears. Congratulations. You got knocked up and married a loser. Now go away.

5) Lindsay Lohan. She’s got “self-disintegrating coke fiend” written all over her. But hey, we like young actresses with psychological issues.

6) Jane Fonda. You should have stayed away. Your new movie has the marks of suckdom.

7) Ben Affleck and the Jennifer du jour. Please marry your latest Jennifer quickly so we can get you out of the spotlight and back into making bad movies.

I’m trying to pick up a Thuraya phone for cheap for Africa and it’s not going well at all. It’d be nice to step away from the outside world and not have anyone get in touch with me for 3 weeks, but at the same time, it’ll be hard to break cleanly from having constant internet/phone access. Still, it’d be pretty cool to audioblog from Africa, mainly to reinforce my narcissism and be stupid. But Thuraya is becoming pretty expensive so it’ll be back to Iridium. My Iridium pager is on the fritz as well, so I’m trying to shore this up before I go. It’s just an ever growing checklist…

Jackie and Melina have both updated their blogs with kickass designs. I’m wondering if it’s worth it for me to spend the money for someone to update mine. So, who’s reading my blog via RSS feeds and who’s reading it the regular way? And does this blog really deserve to be pimped out?

It’s about 3 and a half months before I make the run to Africa with Jeff‘s former business partner, Scott. Two days in Nairobi, 8 days to Kili and then I’m going to try to make Scott do a safari. I’m not sure where though. I’m half tempted to play the last 5 days by ear, whether it’s run to Zanzibar, Serengeti National Park or head back into Kenya to do the Tsavo, mainly because I can score some points at my volunteer gig.

I’ve got 90% of the gear paid for, one last payment on the trip, my airfare taken care of. I sent my passport out to get my Kenyan visa today so hopefully I’ll have it back in a week or so.