Where Is Hawkins?Where travel is cheaper than psychotherapy.

I love the gym for some odd reason. I used to hate it because it was filled with douchebags and that it was zero fun to be there. Now I’m used to it and I mock others. 2 hours of cardio today, 1215 calories allegedly burned. I did learn that Christopher Lawrence is not good to rock out to while on the rowing machine, but Coheed and Cambria is not that bad.

I also get to start taking my typhoid immunization tomorrow morning. $60.99, beyotches. I will be pretty much immune to everything by the end of June.

Oh and I want to give a big fuck you to iTunes, who periodically forgets where my music is located and it takes a few minutes to reimport all of it. 8149 songs, 25 days, 80.74 GB.

1) I went to go to the Rogers Centre and see the Blue Jays lose to the Twins. Nice facility.
2) Managed to go to a strip club with some random South African bloke and my buddy. I hate strip clubs, and when I left the waitress suggested the gay bar down the street when I said “this isn’t my kind of place.” I then went back to the hotel and cried.
3) The CN Tower loses its appeal after the second time.
4) Went to buy some neato alternative things at Exile to prove I am not a yuppie. Bought a shirt with a rooster on it with the words “Rock out with your cock out.” Also bought Jackie a magnet that said “Men are like floor tiles: If you lay them right the first time you can walk over them for years.”
5) Had a complete asshole of a Immigration officer at YYZ. Complete jerk. Seriously, I know that it sucks, but try to be friendly, you know?
6) MEC rocks the house.
7) I bought trekking poles for a coworker of mine and they never made it to O’Hare so they might be delievered tomorrow. Sucks. :(

And the guy who I wanted to do The Amazing Race found someone else to do it with instead. Whatever – he sucks and will lose for not having me if he makes it that far.

I spent the afternoon watching a few episodes of Nip/Tuck courtesy of those asshats at Netflix. Interesting enough show, but it got me to think about myself and how I view my own body.

I’ve lost a shitload of weight in the last 6+ months, in the 40+ lb weight range. The truth is that I don’t feel any better about myself, nor do I actually notice the difference (for serious, would you notice if Saturn lost a ring?). And I feel that when people say “hey you’ve lost weight,” it’s bullshit. In fact I liked myself better when I was heavier. I wish I could understand why.

So today I spent about 90 minutes at the NMFF travel clinic getting my innoculations for my Africa trip. I was pretty impressed at how things were done. I got a fairly lengthy consultation and then proceeded to get gorked up on shots. Sadly, I only got 3 shots today with 3 more a month from now. But I did end up with 4 prescriptions.

My thinking was I might as well go and get everything. I knew going in that it’d be pretty expensive and after a while, you might as well get unneeded shots. Although I did take a pass at getting Rabies vaccinations, which were $150 per shot x3. Fuck that.

On my left arm was Diphtheria/Tetanus and Yellow Fever. Right arm was first shot of the Twinrix (Hepatitis A/B combo). My arms will probably feel like ass tomorrow.

Oh, the scripts. I did get Diamox (altitude meds), Cipro (just in case diarrhea shows up), the oral typhoid vaccine and my personal favorite, Lariam for an anti-malarial. The travel nurse said that you get “awesome dreams” as a side effect of this. Unfortunately I can’t start taking them now, you know, just in case those pesky Chicago mosquitos carry malaria.

Today’s damage? $355. Next month: Shot 2 of 3 for Twinrix, Meningitis and Polio.

This is a priceless letter. It makes me weep with joy.

Impostor!

This is the TRUE Nick Hawkins here, the one spoken of in legends, and I wholeheartedly refuse to accept the fact that you have somehow taken my name for your own. My resentment runs so deep that I am frighteningly close to vomiting in rage at this injustice.

I, (that’s Nicholas Hawkins, whatever YOUR real name is) am a 23 year old man living on Vanouver Island (you DO know where that is, Mr. Globetrotter, don’t you? Or were you lying about your travels as well as your moniker?), working at a salmon farm and slowly but surely plotting my plans for world domination. So, on that topic, if your current career (is pathological liar really a career? Is that what you will list on your resume when you get canned from your current job for aiding monkeys in their masturbation attempts in front of small children? hmmm…i wonder) doesn’t work out, then I may have a place for you as a world class scapegoat. You don’t mind being put on trial for irreperable and possibly-I haven’t decided yet- unspeakable crimes against the wild aborigines of Kenya, do you? Oh well, it’s probably a moot point since I doubt it’ll ever go to trial. For in Canada, first you get the Kenyan aborigine’s trust, then you get their gold, THEN you get their power.

So here’s your last (and, I guess, first) chance to renounce your false name. There is room for only one Nick Hawkins on this earth, as the prophecy says, and so it shall be. So the choice is yours. Change the name, or face the consequences. And yes, I know of the other false messianic wannabes and they’ve had the same warning. The MP has been taken care of, and the other one, well, he’s a fucking DJ, so I’m assuming he’ll take care of his demise on his own. I just hope he doesn’t draw it out too long.
And then there were two.

-Nick Hawkins, Esq.
Coalition for Humans Against Cruel Treatment of Inflatable Water Toys – President Association of Salmon, Squid, Deer, and Eel Saviours Through Religiously Orthodox Yelling that Entrances Reporters (A.S.S. D.E.S.T.R.O.Y.E.R.) – V.P. (We’re doing really good things right now) Third World Messiah (2008-2064)

If you’d like a picture of me to post on your website in order to make amends beside the written apology for stealing my name, I’m sure something can be arranged.

I guess by having an awesome name like Nick Hawkins, it makes people think you’re a narcissist because you rock so much.

I did nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be.

For serious, I went to the gym today, burned 1067 calories (so sayeth the machines) and treated myself to grilled salmon at PJ Clarke’s. Yesterday was pretty interesting – instead of spending my Saturday night watching The Prisoner, I had to listen to a friend vent about marital woes. After an hour plus of talking and taking her out for ice cream (because ice cream makes everything better), I walked her back to her place and I think they are at least talking. I swear I am going to make an awesome grandfather one day.

And I got shafted on a psuedo-date tonight. “Oh I forgot I made plans.” Girls are evil. I mean, when someone is more emotionally stunted than I am, then there are problems. Seriously, I should have you guys write a personal ad for me just for fun and see how it goes.

I get to go to Toronto on Saturday, so I find out if my upgrades clear on Tuesday and Thursday, respectively. My friend Eihab is tagging along and we’re going to see the Blue Jays play the Minnesota Twins. Since he’s Muslim, we will also get to experience extreme PC behavior on the part of the TSA (he’ll be able to walk through without any hassle, but I’ll get a random secondary search).

And we get to break in my new boss this week at the office. Oh joy.

Who wants postcards?

Today I went to Benihana because they have the best damn sushi deal in the ‘hood – 99 cent pieces of sushi and $2 rolls. Wasn’t great quality, but the price was right. The moment I walked in to Beni today there was NO CROWD, which was my first sign that something was afoot. Walked downstairs to the bar and did not see a crowd. When there’s 4 people there, you know something is up.

Normally when you go in and order there are sheets of paper and pencils at each table where you write your order and the waitress takes that from you. Instead I was presented with a menu where my cheap sushi was twice to three times the cost.

Salmon maki
Before: $2.00
After: $5.50

I hope they close in a month. Looks like I’m going to skip Beni’s from now on and just head to Lan’s Bistro Pacific for all my pan-Asian cuisine desires.

Chicago Crime Database

Imagine the Chicago ICAM database combined with Google Maps and you have a nice little tool to search your area for Chicago crime statistics.

Google whoredom:

Nick Hawkins – #5
“Nick Hawkins” – #6

Surely I can push the DJ and the former MP out of the way to be #1.