Where Is Hawkins?Where travel is cheaper than psychotherapy.

Since I really started writing postcards in 2004, I figure I’ve sent close to 2000 of them back to the US. Yes, 2000 of them. That’s a lot of postcards, and I’ve discovered some excellent techniques to make this a less tedious process. And in the spirit of a kinder, gentler Nick in 2010, I’d figure I’d share my wealth of knowledge.

The list started out as a postcard to Mom and Gran, then just spun out of control. I sent out 72 postcards while in Singapore/Malaysia – 72 postcards! I sent around 100 when I did my Trans-Siberian trip – basically, the aim is 10 postcards a day for when I’m in a particular place. For my upcoming Rome trip, I’m going to be lazy and try to limit it to about 60 or so just because I’m a cheapass. Hey, you drop $500 on postcards and stamps in a year only to be told two months later “Hey, thanks from your postcard from Oogaboogaland, the kids threw it away after reading it.” Love it.

The problem is that with so many postcards and so few days, it’s hard to retell the day’s events in such a way 10+ times that it all sounds fresh and entertaining – like you wrote a card just for that person. It’s really hard. The best way is to write a postcard once or twice, and then copy it on subsequent cards. However, your ingenuity is foiled if two people that know each other get the same card! So, it’s time to develop a postcard strategy!

Step One: Organize your postcard list into groups.
I’ve got about a half a dozen groups: Family, People from my hometown, Friends, People who pretend to be my friends, Internet fan club, Soccer people, “The Writer Posse,” Internet creeps and stalkers, Women I’d like to sleep with, etc. For this example, they’re broken up into groups labeled A, B, C, D…

Step Two: Break ‘em up into groups of 10.
This is where it gets difficult. Take one from A, B, C, D in a random way in such that A1, B1, C1, D1, etc do not know each other. So my mom can get the postcard that my friend Tim gets, who can get the same postcard as random soccer friend #1 gets, etc. Repeat this process until you have nice groups of 10 or so for each day’s worth of activities. Limit yourself to 10 because writing postcards sucks.

Step Three: Address the postcards
This sucks, but address the postcards with the same color ink pen that you plan to write with (basic black = awesome.) After you’re done, reward yourself with a beer. You’ve earned it.

Step Four: Put stamps and air mail labels on the postcard before you start writing them.
Putting them on before you mail out the postcard is important because you know exactly how much space you have to write something witty and awesome. I have been foiled on various adventures by writing something so amazing that it would give you priapism – only to have important words covered up by additional postage!

Step Five: Divide the postcard list in half.
Why in half? What’s with all this math?

Because you’re going to write two different postcards with the same day’s events. For example, I like to write a boring one (“I did this, saw that…”) and an exciting one (“I did this, and made an ass out of myself by doing whatever…”). Make sure you send the postcards to the correct people. For example, Gran should never get the postcard you send to your best drunken friends at home, because, let’s face it – donkey shows and grandparents don’t mix. After you write the boring card, copy the text of the boring card to the other four in the “boring group.” By this time, your hand should cramp up because you’re not used to writing anymore – just typing. Reward yourself for 5 well-written postcards by having another beer. By this time, you should be loosened up enough to write the “awesome” postcard – and just like always, repeat the process for the other 4 cards and reward yourself with a beer.

FYI: It is not ok to lie in postcards, although it’s perfectly acceptable to exaggerate completely.

After this step is done, you should have 10 written postcards! Woo hoo! You did it! Reward yourself with another beer.

Step Six: Repeat this process for each day you feel like writing postcards.
Why hurry yourself? You’ve got stuff to do!

Step Seven: Always send yourself a postcard.
Why send yourself a postcard – I mean, you’re the one that went there! Exactly. What I’ve learned is that no one tells you that they received your postcard. If you get 5% of people saying thank you, then you’re a lucky person. They will only tell you when they didn’t get one. For example, I sent a boatload of postcards from Brazil and Tanzania – only to have them not arrive in the States. So, I look like an asshole as a result. Thanks guys!

When you send a postcard to yourself, not only do you get a sweet souvenir you can hang at the office, but can tell people with great confidence that they should chill – their postcard is coming in the mail.

Optional Step Eight: If you really care enough, you can pull the few postcards aside that you’ll actually put original thought into writing, and write them separately.
Want to write a sappy romantic postcard to the person you’re dating? Want to write a drunken, sappy romantic postcard to someone you’re not dating as a way of saying “Hi, how’s your boring marriage going?” Drink after each postcard. Honest, your writing improves.

There you have it – amazing tips to becoming not only a travel rockstar, but a postcard rockstar.